Garraund
Well-known member
I have to start the day by giving Coachlid a refresher course in How to Handle The Warden, then I'll get to my normal shenanigans.
Cheat Sheet for Coachlid
Note: Please follow guidelines for maximum operational security and peace of mind. Do not deviate from scripted responses.
To answer The Warden's questions during game day, choose from any of the following phrases:
"It's going fine."
"I made a little."
"So far so good."
After a team makes a winning kick, and The Warden looks at you and asks, "Was that good for us?"
The answer is always, "Yes."
It does not matter if your heart was just ripped out of your chest and you just lost your biggest play of the month, you will display the practiced nonchalance of someone who wins their bets all the time. The answer is always, "Yes, that was good for us." You are Danny Ocean for Oceans Eleven. You are the epitome of cool. Think George Clooney rolling into a card game to pick up your ne'er-do-well friend Brad Pitt.
Distribution of winnings
Have a "fun" bank account, not at your bank that is your day to day checking, holds your mortgage, etc. A different bank altogether, somewhere close by so you can go in the branch all the time and they recognize you and like you and don't blink an eye when you withdraw or deposit large sums of cash. My local branch loves me. I'm in there once a week even if I don't have business, just so everyone knows my name and asks after my kids.
Cash out from a casino trip/your bookie is distributed in the following manner:
Replenish your bankroll. If you normally take 200 bucks, 2k, 5k whatever, make sure that's set aside in the "fun" checking account ready for next go 'round, or the next time you have to re-up.
If it was a cc, that gets paid immediately in full from your "fun" checking account.
Pay yourself. Take half of everything you won that trip, that week, that month (however you break it down) and put cash in your safety deposit box at your "fun" bank. That doesn't get touched. Forget about it. Don't count it. It's like money spent. It's gone. It's sitting there for that piece of property in Tulum once the kids are established as adults.
Now pay everybody else. Have a savings account at the "fun" bank. Move some into that savings account. Move some into the kids' college fund. Pay off a credit card. Put some cash in your back pocket (not your wallet, see below) for The Warden. Give her a kiss
and a stack of benjis 
from time to time. Don't keep track of what you give her, don't ask what she spends it on. It's gone. It's social lubricant. It's the price of doing business.
Note for those who have teenagers
Whatever you keep in your wallet is going to go away. It's like having mice in the grain silo. I recommend you keep $19 in your wallet at all times. No twenties!! $19 is enough to give your kid a five for some hot chocolate at Starbucks. It's enough to tip your local bartender cash. It's not enough for that "great sweater" at Gap or that new Xbox game at Gamestop or "some golf balls" at Dicks. $19 is the sweet spot. Practice looking into your wallet and thumbing through the ten, five and four ones and shaking your head ruefully, "Sorry, I only have nineteen."
I keep a small fire safe for documents under my bed. You can purchase this at Home Depot for fifty bucks. The fire safe has cash. It replenishes the wallet that always has $19. No more and no less.
In case of fire break glass
The fire safe funds can be used to placate The Warden.
Sometimes The Warden will see through your careful veneer of easy-come easy-go confidence. You are channeling your inner Danny Ocean and cool as a cucumber on game day, but somehow she knows. You can see it in her eye. The scripted responses have failed. It's better to come clean with a shrug and an honest assessment along the lines of, "Yeah, things didn't break our way today."
Note two things here:
First: it's inclusive pronouns. "We are doing great. We are making lots of money. This is a joint operation. Gosh I love you so much honey."
Second, you always follow up the first admission with a positive that goes along the lines of, "Yeah, things didn't break our way today. But we made a killing last week." You then go get cash from the fire safe and hand a wad of benjis to The Warden.
Thus endeth the lesson. Next week on Garraund's Fire Talk, How to Include The Warden in a all-expense paid Gambling Junket.
Cheat Sheet for Coachlid
Note: Please follow guidelines for maximum operational security and peace of mind. Do not deviate from scripted responses.
To answer The Warden's questions during game day, choose from any of the following phrases:
"It's going fine."
"I made a little."
"So far so good."
After a team makes a winning kick, and The Warden looks at you and asks, "Was that good for us?"
The answer is always, "Yes."
It does not matter if your heart was just ripped out of your chest and you just lost your biggest play of the month, you will display the practiced nonchalance of someone who wins their bets all the time. The answer is always, "Yes, that was good for us." You are Danny Ocean for Oceans Eleven. You are the epitome of cool. Think George Clooney rolling into a card game to pick up your ne'er-do-well friend Brad Pitt.
Distribution of winnings
Have a "fun" bank account, not at your bank that is your day to day checking, holds your mortgage, etc. A different bank altogether, somewhere close by so you can go in the branch all the time and they recognize you and like you and don't blink an eye when you withdraw or deposit large sums of cash. My local branch loves me. I'm in there once a week even if I don't have business, just so everyone knows my name and asks after my kids.
Cash out from a casino trip/your bookie is distributed in the following manner:
Replenish your bankroll. If you normally take 200 bucks, 2k, 5k whatever, make sure that's set aside in the "fun" checking account ready for next go 'round, or the next time you have to re-up.
If it was a cc, that gets paid immediately in full from your "fun" checking account.
Pay yourself. Take half of everything you won that trip, that week, that month (however you break it down) and put cash in your safety deposit box at your "fun" bank. That doesn't get touched. Forget about it. Don't count it. It's like money spent. It's gone. It's sitting there for that piece of property in Tulum once the kids are established as adults.
Now pay everybody else. Have a savings account at the "fun" bank. Move some into that savings account. Move some into the kids' college fund. Pay off a credit card. Put some cash in your back pocket (not your wallet, see below) for The Warden. Give her a kiss
and a stack of benjis from time to time. Don't keep track of what you give her, don't ask what she spends it on. It's gone. It's social lubricant. It's the price of doing business.Note for those who have teenagers
Whatever you keep in your wallet is going to go away. It's like having mice in the grain silo. I recommend you keep $19 in your wallet at all times. No twenties!! $19 is enough to give your kid a five for some hot chocolate at Starbucks. It's enough to tip your local bartender cash. It's not enough for that "great sweater" at Gap or that new Xbox game at Gamestop or "some golf balls" at Dicks. $19 is the sweet spot. Practice looking into your wallet and thumbing through the ten, five and four ones and shaking your head ruefully, "Sorry, I only have nineteen."
I keep a small fire safe for documents under my bed. You can purchase this at Home Depot for fifty bucks. The fire safe has cash. It replenishes the wallet that always has $19. No more and no less.
In case of fire break glass
The fire safe funds can be used to placate The Warden.
Sometimes The Warden will see through your careful veneer of easy-come easy-go confidence. You are channeling your inner Danny Ocean and cool as a cucumber on game day, but somehow she knows. You can see it in her eye. The scripted responses have failed. It's better to come clean with a shrug and an honest assessment along the lines of, "Yeah, things didn't break our way today."
Note two things here:
First: it's inclusive pronouns. "We are doing great. We are making lots of money. This is a joint operation. Gosh I love you so much honey."
Second, you always follow up the first admission with a positive that goes along the lines of, "Yeah, things didn't break our way today. But we made a killing last week." You then go get cash from the fire safe and hand a wad of benjis to The Warden.
Thus endeth the lesson. Next week on Garraund's Fire Talk, How to Include The Warden in a all-expense paid Gambling Junket.
