Sonny Palermo
January 9th, 2006, 09:06 AM
When I did the Stardust show they said on the air the next day they got comments on me ranging from
"juvenile, not funny at all",
to
"brilliant, near-genius, the best guest in the history of the show."
I'd like similar feedback if anyone cares to, on the chapter or two below. positive AND negative;
if ya think parts are corny - say so,
if ya think it's funny - which parts?
(is the line about the Stooges funny? I cracked up at it)
Thanks.....
Chapter 24
Besides, I Didn’t Like Boys
The following morning LaRocca picked Jesus up at LaMirage and stared at his still-swollen newly crooked nose.
“Don’t ask,” said Jesus.
“Told ya not to leave your room,” said LaRocca.
“It was just a little misunderstanding on my part. Is Mountain View going to be open this morning, after all, it’s Christmas.”
“And what, the insane go sane on Christmas?” asked LaRocca. “Psychiatric care is twenty-four seven, three sixty-five. Three sixty-six on Leap years. And joints like this do a boomin’ business on the holidays because of all the extra depression that comes with them.”
They rode in silence for a few moments and the Jesus broke it by asking LaRocca why he opted for the police force over the priesthood.
“I turned down Seminary school because I questioned my faith. I saw so much suffering in the world that I questioned if there really is a God. And if there is a God I wondered is he a sadist? Why does he make bombs and wars?”
Jesus answered, “Why does mankind always insist on blaming God for their own screw-ups and short-comings? God doesn’t drop bombs on people. You do that to yourselves. God never thought things would turn out this way. God didn’t invent chemical warfare, or nuclear power. He didn’t think you would discover the atom what’s less split it. He thought you’d advance a little, maybe discover fire or the wheel at best, but He didn’t think that much farther ahead. You have to go back to the beginning and remember He made you cavemen. He figured when you got mad at each other you would just hide behind trees and call each other rude names, you know, worse case maybe throw some rocks or something. But certainly not vaporize each other by the hundreds of thousands.”
“There was just a lot of things I questioned. God works in mysterious ways, ways that are beyond my comprehension. I mean Buddy Holly and Richie Valens going down in that plane crash and yet year after year Britney Spears and N’ Synch keep touring? Go figure. He takes John Lennon but leaves Estaban? He takes James Dean, but leaves David Hasselhoff? The Lord has a wicked sense of humor.”
“Actually he has no sense of humor at all.”
LaRocca gave Jesus a look of disbelief and waited for an explanation.
“No, really, He has no sense of humor at all I’m telling you. He actually has a hard time grasping the concept of ‘funny’. You don’t believe me? He thinks Joe Besser is the funniest Stooge. He tells a lot of really bad knock-knock jokes, as if there are any good ones. Oh, He thinks He has a great sense of humor, but that’s just because He’s surrounded by ‘yes’ men who laugh at every thing He says. You know how most powerful men are surrounded by sycophants who agree with everything they say, and crack up at all their jokes, no matter how lame? Well, imagine the kind of ‘yes men’ you get if you’re God."
“Well anyway, I decided I could stop more evil by becoming a cop than becoming a priest. Of course that was before I knew about all the child abuse.”
An uncomfortable silence followed this last remark. LaRocca began to wish he hadn’t said it. He realized that if the man sitting next to him really was Jesus it must hurt him deeply to see what has happened in the church. But that’s ridiculous he thought. He shouldn’t feel guilty about the comment when he knew the guy next to him was just a nut who thought he was Jesus. Yet, he felt bad about what he said, and he could feel the anguish emanating off his new friend. Could it be? Nah. Strange feelings, stranger thoughts.
They arrived at Mountain View. He dropped Jesus at the front entrance, wished him luck and said he’d check in on him.
Jesus said, “Thank you for all you have done, the Lord my Father will….
“Get inside”, said LaRocca with a smile on his face.
Jesus smiled back at him and waved as he slowly drove away.
Chapter 25
McMurphy’s Place
Dr. Franklin Nealon Stein was the Chief of Psychiatric care at Mountain View Mental Health Center. He had been voted “least popular” in high school, the kid in Biology class who enjoyed dissecting frogs so much that he would volunteer to do yours too. He was a squat little man, with a mouth full of large teeth that looked like a box of brown and yellow chicklets gone awry. He was overweight, had Carrot Top red hair, no personality, bad acne and he smelled like Fritos. In Vegas-speak, God had dealt him a total losing hand. Both staff and patients loathed him, with the exception of his receptionist and nursing school trainee, Helen Bach, who was no prize herself. Imagine if Miss Piggy slept with Jabba the Hut. Take their freakish little offspring and add a makeup job by Tammy Faye Baker, dress it in a mumu like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show, add a dose of eu-de-Stolichnoya and you’d have Helen Bach. She and Stein were having an affair that was not as secret as they would like to believe. Staffers figured they got along so well because they shared the same sadistic tendencies. That and the fact that no one else liked them. They had spent their entire lives on the outside looking in, always picked last in gym class and never had a date on Saturday night. By some freak injustice they now found themselves in a position of some power, and they were going to get a measure of revenge. They treated each patient as if they had been the high school football team captain and head cheerleader.
When told they had a ‘Jesus’ coming in Stein remarked, “hmm, never had one of those before. Had a Brigham Young once, but I believe that had more to do with his desire to marry and sleep with as many female patients as he could rather than any personal, particular religious beliefs.”
Jesus was in the doctor’s waiting room when a miniature Christmas tree plant was delivered to Ms. Bach. “Oh, it’s one of those cute little potted plant Christmas trees, with little balls, candy canes and tiny gift wrapped presents hanging on it. And a beautiful angel on top! Isn’t it lovely?” Turning to Jesus she giggled like a schoolgirl and said, “the card says ‘Merry Christmas from a secret admirer’, I wonder who that could be? I’ll go get some water for it. You wait here, the doctor will be with you shortly.”
As soon as she left the room the plant erupted in flames and a lilting, sing-song voice called out from it, “Why have You forsaken Me?”
Jesus was startled at first, then remembered the tale of the Burning Bush in which God appeared to Moses. He addressed His Father.
“You scared the hell out of me!”
“Never mind the dramatics, why did You disobey Me and return?”
Forgive me Father, I followed my heart and did what I thought was right. And what I did I did in Your name.”
“In my name? You destroyed Father O’Ryan in my name? And by the way, spontaneous combustion? A bit severe, no?”
“Well I was gonna go the pillar of salt route but I thought that a bit too ‘Old Testament’. Plus it would have really freaked out the people in the courtroom.”
“You should not have went against My wishes.”
“You know, you’re right. I shouldn’t have done that. I was wrong, I admit it. This is not working out the way I thought it would, what do you say we go back to Heaven and forget the whole thing?”
“I don’t think so. You wanted to come back, now you can stay. And, as punishment - NO miracles for you!”
“So that’s why I couldn’t make the fish multiply at lunch today, you denied me. If I can work no miracles how will I get back to Heaven?”
“There is only one way I know of to get to Heaven – lead a good life in servitude to God and abide by His commandments.”
“Live a good life? You mean I have to stay here? For a lifetime? And as an ordinary man?”
“You are like them now, mortal, with all the weaknesses and foibles that entails.”
“No miracles? How will I prove who I am? If I can’t get them to believe in me I won’t be able to get them to believe in You. Last time I was here I was tossing out miracles left and right and they still thought me a false prophet. I was clearing up leprosy, giving eyesight to the blind, bringing back the dead and they still crucified me. No one is going to believe me if I can’t do miracles.”
“You must make them believe through your words and deeds.”
“Words and deeds can only get a would-be Messiah so far, but without any miracles I’m in big trouble. BIG TROUBLE!”
“Well young man I guess you should have thought of that before you disobeyed me, right? Gotta go now, see ya.”
“Hey wait a minute, the burning bush you came to Moses in was in flames yet remained unscorched. Look at what you did to that ladies plant!”
The plant was burnt to a crisp. The red and white candy canes were now nothing more than little brown and pink-looking plastic globs. The angel was reduced to a grotesque halo-less stick figure with a distorted face. A wisp of smoke curled off the top of it’s melted head.
“Sorry, out of practice I guess.”
“Wait, when can I come back?”
“When I feel it is time.”
“Wait, one more thing, why are you talking like Truman Capote?”
“I’m flaming. Get it?”
OK, Jesus thought, that was kind of funny.
The laugh like thunder was heard again and just like that – He was gone.
As soon as the laughter died down it was replaced by a piercing scream as the receptionist returned with a pitcher of water.
“What did you do to my Christmas tree plant, you freak?!”
Chapter 27
Wanna play Doctor?
“He’s obviously a danger to himself and society. We’ll have to give him The Ramones treatment, said Dr. Stein.
“He seems harmless to me, and I don’t think we should rush to any judgements. Let’s observe him for a couple days, and see what develops,” replied Dr. Allison Costello. “And I’d appreciate it if you’d remain professional and refer to it as sedation, not “the Ramones treatment.”
Allison Costello was the hospital’s General Manager and outranked Stein so her decision was final. Her position of authority over him was of course a thorn in his side, his male ego naturally rendering him unable to even consider the possibility that a woman could be smarter than he was. The only way she should be over him is in bed he thought with typical male single-mindedness, though he knew that would never happen. Not that he hadn’t tried, but she had turned him down enough to know it would only be in his dreams.
Though she had a Masters in her chosen field of Psychology Dr. Costello’s first degree had come in Accounting. Due to a typically meager state budget she doubled as the Centers Director of Finance, increasing her value to the hospital, and thusly giving her even more power over Stein. Blonde, blue-eyed, 5’6” and weighing in at 115 pounds, she was thirty-five looking twenty-five, and was often mistaken for a model. In fact she had done some modeling during college to help pay tuition. She did basic catalogue stuff, always modeling clothes, never herself. It’s not that she wasn’t offered jobs that required her to show some skin, Vegas offered plenty of opportunity in that area, it’s just that she always turned them down. Though beautiful she kept her head in her math books and later psychology. Her teachers said she had a head for figures. The frat boys said she had a figure that turned heads.
Stein disagreed with Costello’s prognosis. “Not only does the guy think he’s Jesus Christ but he displays the dichotomy of a classic schizo - he thinks he’s the Prince of Peace and yet he’s been in two fights today alone. In addition, he’s a pyromaniac - he’s been connected with two fires that we know of, first that pedophile priest and now my receptionist’s Christmas tree. I’m not pushing for a full frontal lobotomy yet but I insist we medicate him and keep him in the maximum security ward, for the safety of our staff, our other patients, and himself. Not to mention all the plants in the office.”
“There were no cameras in the courtroom but witnesses said he never touched Father O’Ryan. And the security cameras in our lobby show him just sitting there. He did not toss any flammable liquid on the plant and he did not light any matches.”
“Yeah, but the cameras also show his lips moving, as if he was talking to it. Maybe he said some evil spell over it, or maybe he’s some sort of witch doctor. At the very least he’s insane – he was talking to a Christmas tree for Christ’s sake.”
“A witch doctor? Why not a warlock Franklin? Do you hear what you’re saying? He seems calm enough, for now let’s just see how he interacts with others in this evenings group therapy session and we’ll decide on his course of treatment after that.”
Later that evening, at group therapy, a circle of chairs contained about a dozen other patients, or clients as the staff preferred to call them. The night’s session was to be led by Director Costello. Dr. Stein sat in as an observer. She began, “We have a new member joining our group tonight”, and looking at Jesus she continued “why don’t you introduce yourself and then we’ll let some of the other members do the same. Please tell us your name.”
“I am Jesus”, said the Lord.
To His surprise no one questioned His declaration. Then he remembered the people seated around Him were all mental patients.
“Welcome to our group, Jesus,” said Dr. Costello. “Now that’s an interesting name, the same as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Did your mother name you after Him?”
“I am Him”, Jesus corrected her.
“I see. And why are you here?”
“I’m here on Earth to spread the word of God. I’m here in Las Vegas because it is a village that calls itself ‘Sin City’ and is proud of it. And I am here in this hospital because no one believes me.”
“Can you do miracles?” one of the other patients asked.
“I have in the past.”
At this, one of the nuts jumped up, rubbed Jesus’ head, yelled, “I wish I had a million dollars!” then ran back to his seat.
Startled at first but now somewhat amused and back under composure the Lord declared, “It’s ‘Jesus’, not ‘Genie’. Sorry.”
Dr. Costello moved to regain control. “OK, why don’t we go around the room and tell Jesus a little about ourselves. Who wants to start?”
Each person in the circle said their name, and a few words about themselves.
Last up was an old man who looked to be about fifty-five years old, wearing a ragged army shirt with a few stripes half stitched on, half hanging off the sleeves. He sported a marine buzz-cut, one that was uneven in many spots, as though he was his own barber. Little red lines showed on his scalp, in the numerous places he had cut himself.
“They call me Sarge”, he began.
One of the other patients, a young man of about thirty-five, with a heavy English accent, immediately interrupted and snapped, “nobody calls you Sarge!”
Sarge ignored him and continued, “I’m involved in the Vietnam conflict.”
“You’re involved in a reality conflict!” said the Englishman.
“Simon, please let him continue” interrupted Dr. Costello.
Jesus asked, “where were you stationed?”
“I’m State-side, stationed over on the southwest side of town.”
“Excuse me, did you say ‘stationed’?” said Jesus, not sure he heard the man correctly.
“Over by Spring Mountain and Decatur. I night patrol the area, looking for Charlie. I was captured by the enemy and sent to this prison camp. I’m breaking out tonight if you want to come along.”
“Let me see if I have this correct, you say you’re IN the Vietnam War, and you’re stationed in Las Vegas?”
“Yup.”
“But the Vietnam war was fought exclusively in Vietnam.”
“What the hell kind of American are you, boy? We all have to do our part on the home front.”
“But that war ended over thirty years ago.”
“Son, for those of us who took part in that little bit of hell on Earth that war will never be over.”
The Englishman Simon interrupted, “He beat up a Korean last week, and that’s why he’s here.”
“Was he Korean?” Jesus asked Sarge.
“He was a Vietnam spy disguised as a Korean. Charlie is tricky like that.”
“He’s here because he keeps harassing people over in Chinatown, accusing them of being Viet Cong, and then last week he beat up a Korean grocer for talking on his cell phone”, laughed Simon.
Sarge, angry now, blared out, “He was radioing Charlie with our position, I saved lives that day sonny!”
The group busted up laughing and the old man sunk in his chair, red-faced with embarrassment.
Dr. Costello interrupted. “OK, let’s change subjects. Last time in our group we were discussing hobbies we used to have, ones we could take up again when we leave here.
Fred, I believe you were next. Do you have any hobbies?’
Fred was so introverted a corpse would seem the life of the party in comparison. He never spoke unless prompted. It was only early evening but the shy little man was already dressed in wrinkled pajamas, as he was twenty-four hours a day. He stopped scratching his head, looked at the floor, and said, “I like to fish.”
“OK, fishing is a good one”, said Dr. Costello. Turning to Jesus she said, “OK, how about our newest member, any hobbies?”
Jesus replied, “I too fish. I am a fisher of men.”
This declaration brought cat-calls from the guys in the group and invitations for dates and limp-wristed waves.
Director Costello hushed the mocking group. “OK, that’s enough of that. If any of you had read your Bible you would know that’s not what he meant.”
She turned to Sarge, and said, “what about you?”
He said, trying to sound macho, “my hobbies are guns and ammo”. He looked Costello right in her eye and added, “I also enjoy gynecology. I’m not a trained expert or anything but I dabble, I like to dabble”.
Simon mocked him, “ahh, you’ve probably never even kissed a girl on her northern lips, what's ’less the southern pair.”
At this the group busted out laughing again and Allison Costello said, “and on that note I think we’ve covered enough for tonight, the session is over. Jesus, Dr. Stein and I would like to speak with you in my office, please come with us.”
"juvenile, not funny at all",
to
"brilliant, near-genius, the best guest in the history of the show."
I'd like similar feedback if anyone cares to, on the chapter or two below. positive AND negative;
if ya think parts are corny - say so,
if ya think it's funny - which parts?
(is the line about the Stooges funny? I cracked up at it)
Thanks.....
Chapter 24
Besides, I Didn’t Like Boys
The following morning LaRocca picked Jesus up at LaMirage and stared at his still-swollen newly crooked nose.
“Don’t ask,” said Jesus.
“Told ya not to leave your room,” said LaRocca.
“It was just a little misunderstanding on my part. Is Mountain View going to be open this morning, after all, it’s Christmas.”
“And what, the insane go sane on Christmas?” asked LaRocca. “Psychiatric care is twenty-four seven, three sixty-five. Three sixty-six on Leap years. And joints like this do a boomin’ business on the holidays because of all the extra depression that comes with them.”
They rode in silence for a few moments and the Jesus broke it by asking LaRocca why he opted for the police force over the priesthood.
“I turned down Seminary school because I questioned my faith. I saw so much suffering in the world that I questioned if there really is a God. And if there is a God I wondered is he a sadist? Why does he make bombs and wars?”
Jesus answered, “Why does mankind always insist on blaming God for their own screw-ups and short-comings? God doesn’t drop bombs on people. You do that to yourselves. God never thought things would turn out this way. God didn’t invent chemical warfare, or nuclear power. He didn’t think you would discover the atom what’s less split it. He thought you’d advance a little, maybe discover fire or the wheel at best, but He didn’t think that much farther ahead. You have to go back to the beginning and remember He made you cavemen. He figured when you got mad at each other you would just hide behind trees and call each other rude names, you know, worse case maybe throw some rocks or something. But certainly not vaporize each other by the hundreds of thousands.”
“There was just a lot of things I questioned. God works in mysterious ways, ways that are beyond my comprehension. I mean Buddy Holly and Richie Valens going down in that plane crash and yet year after year Britney Spears and N’ Synch keep touring? Go figure. He takes John Lennon but leaves Estaban? He takes James Dean, but leaves David Hasselhoff? The Lord has a wicked sense of humor.”
“Actually he has no sense of humor at all.”
LaRocca gave Jesus a look of disbelief and waited for an explanation.
“No, really, He has no sense of humor at all I’m telling you. He actually has a hard time grasping the concept of ‘funny’. You don’t believe me? He thinks Joe Besser is the funniest Stooge. He tells a lot of really bad knock-knock jokes, as if there are any good ones. Oh, He thinks He has a great sense of humor, but that’s just because He’s surrounded by ‘yes’ men who laugh at every thing He says. You know how most powerful men are surrounded by sycophants who agree with everything they say, and crack up at all their jokes, no matter how lame? Well, imagine the kind of ‘yes men’ you get if you’re God."
“Well anyway, I decided I could stop more evil by becoming a cop than becoming a priest. Of course that was before I knew about all the child abuse.”
An uncomfortable silence followed this last remark. LaRocca began to wish he hadn’t said it. He realized that if the man sitting next to him really was Jesus it must hurt him deeply to see what has happened in the church. But that’s ridiculous he thought. He shouldn’t feel guilty about the comment when he knew the guy next to him was just a nut who thought he was Jesus. Yet, he felt bad about what he said, and he could feel the anguish emanating off his new friend. Could it be? Nah. Strange feelings, stranger thoughts.
They arrived at Mountain View. He dropped Jesus at the front entrance, wished him luck and said he’d check in on him.
Jesus said, “Thank you for all you have done, the Lord my Father will….
“Get inside”, said LaRocca with a smile on his face.
Jesus smiled back at him and waved as he slowly drove away.
Chapter 25
McMurphy’s Place
Dr. Franklin Nealon Stein was the Chief of Psychiatric care at Mountain View Mental Health Center. He had been voted “least popular” in high school, the kid in Biology class who enjoyed dissecting frogs so much that he would volunteer to do yours too. He was a squat little man, with a mouth full of large teeth that looked like a box of brown and yellow chicklets gone awry. He was overweight, had Carrot Top red hair, no personality, bad acne and he smelled like Fritos. In Vegas-speak, God had dealt him a total losing hand. Both staff and patients loathed him, with the exception of his receptionist and nursing school trainee, Helen Bach, who was no prize herself. Imagine if Miss Piggy slept with Jabba the Hut. Take their freakish little offspring and add a makeup job by Tammy Faye Baker, dress it in a mumu like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show, add a dose of eu-de-Stolichnoya and you’d have Helen Bach. She and Stein were having an affair that was not as secret as they would like to believe. Staffers figured they got along so well because they shared the same sadistic tendencies. That and the fact that no one else liked them. They had spent their entire lives on the outside looking in, always picked last in gym class and never had a date on Saturday night. By some freak injustice they now found themselves in a position of some power, and they were going to get a measure of revenge. They treated each patient as if they had been the high school football team captain and head cheerleader.
When told they had a ‘Jesus’ coming in Stein remarked, “hmm, never had one of those before. Had a Brigham Young once, but I believe that had more to do with his desire to marry and sleep with as many female patients as he could rather than any personal, particular religious beliefs.”
Jesus was in the doctor’s waiting room when a miniature Christmas tree plant was delivered to Ms. Bach. “Oh, it’s one of those cute little potted plant Christmas trees, with little balls, candy canes and tiny gift wrapped presents hanging on it. And a beautiful angel on top! Isn’t it lovely?” Turning to Jesus she giggled like a schoolgirl and said, “the card says ‘Merry Christmas from a secret admirer’, I wonder who that could be? I’ll go get some water for it. You wait here, the doctor will be with you shortly.”
As soon as she left the room the plant erupted in flames and a lilting, sing-song voice called out from it, “Why have You forsaken Me?”
Jesus was startled at first, then remembered the tale of the Burning Bush in which God appeared to Moses. He addressed His Father.
“You scared the hell out of me!”
“Never mind the dramatics, why did You disobey Me and return?”
Forgive me Father, I followed my heart and did what I thought was right. And what I did I did in Your name.”
“In my name? You destroyed Father O’Ryan in my name? And by the way, spontaneous combustion? A bit severe, no?”
“Well I was gonna go the pillar of salt route but I thought that a bit too ‘Old Testament’. Plus it would have really freaked out the people in the courtroom.”
“You should not have went against My wishes.”
“You know, you’re right. I shouldn’t have done that. I was wrong, I admit it. This is not working out the way I thought it would, what do you say we go back to Heaven and forget the whole thing?”
“I don’t think so. You wanted to come back, now you can stay. And, as punishment - NO miracles for you!”
“So that’s why I couldn’t make the fish multiply at lunch today, you denied me. If I can work no miracles how will I get back to Heaven?”
“There is only one way I know of to get to Heaven – lead a good life in servitude to God and abide by His commandments.”
“Live a good life? You mean I have to stay here? For a lifetime? And as an ordinary man?”
“You are like them now, mortal, with all the weaknesses and foibles that entails.”
“No miracles? How will I prove who I am? If I can’t get them to believe in me I won’t be able to get them to believe in You. Last time I was here I was tossing out miracles left and right and they still thought me a false prophet. I was clearing up leprosy, giving eyesight to the blind, bringing back the dead and they still crucified me. No one is going to believe me if I can’t do miracles.”
“You must make them believe through your words and deeds.”
“Words and deeds can only get a would-be Messiah so far, but without any miracles I’m in big trouble. BIG TROUBLE!”
“Well young man I guess you should have thought of that before you disobeyed me, right? Gotta go now, see ya.”
“Hey wait a minute, the burning bush you came to Moses in was in flames yet remained unscorched. Look at what you did to that ladies plant!”
The plant was burnt to a crisp. The red and white candy canes were now nothing more than little brown and pink-looking plastic globs. The angel was reduced to a grotesque halo-less stick figure with a distorted face. A wisp of smoke curled off the top of it’s melted head.
“Sorry, out of practice I guess.”
“Wait, when can I come back?”
“When I feel it is time.”
“Wait, one more thing, why are you talking like Truman Capote?”
“I’m flaming. Get it?”
OK, Jesus thought, that was kind of funny.
The laugh like thunder was heard again and just like that – He was gone.
As soon as the laughter died down it was replaced by a piercing scream as the receptionist returned with a pitcher of water.
“What did you do to my Christmas tree plant, you freak?!”
Chapter 27
Wanna play Doctor?
“He’s obviously a danger to himself and society. We’ll have to give him The Ramones treatment, said Dr. Stein.
“He seems harmless to me, and I don’t think we should rush to any judgements. Let’s observe him for a couple days, and see what develops,” replied Dr. Allison Costello. “And I’d appreciate it if you’d remain professional and refer to it as sedation, not “the Ramones treatment.”
Allison Costello was the hospital’s General Manager and outranked Stein so her decision was final. Her position of authority over him was of course a thorn in his side, his male ego naturally rendering him unable to even consider the possibility that a woman could be smarter than he was. The only way she should be over him is in bed he thought with typical male single-mindedness, though he knew that would never happen. Not that he hadn’t tried, but she had turned him down enough to know it would only be in his dreams.
Though she had a Masters in her chosen field of Psychology Dr. Costello’s first degree had come in Accounting. Due to a typically meager state budget she doubled as the Centers Director of Finance, increasing her value to the hospital, and thusly giving her even more power over Stein. Blonde, blue-eyed, 5’6” and weighing in at 115 pounds, she was thirty-five looking twenty-five, and was often mistaken for a model. In fact she had done some modeling during college to help pay tuition. She did basic catalogue stuff, always modeling clothes, never herself. It’s not that she wasn’t offered jobs that required her to show some skin, Vegas offered plenty of opportunity in that area, it’s just that she always turned them down. Though beautiful she kept her head in her math books and later psychology. Her teachers said she had a head for figures. The frat boys said she had a figure that turned heads.
Stein disagreed with Costello’s prognosis. “Not only does the guy think he’s Jesus Christ but he displays the dichotomy of a classic schizo - he thinks he’s the Prince of Peace and yet he’s been in two fights today alone. In addition, he’s a pyromaniac - he’s been connected with two fires that we know of, first that pedophile priest and now my receptionist’s Christmas tree. I’m not pushing for a full frontal lobotomy yet but I insist we medicate him and keep him in the maximum security ward, for the safety of our staff, our other patients, and himself. Not to mention all the plants in the office.”
“There were no cameras in the courtroom but witnesses said he never touched Father O’Ryan. And the security cameras in our lobby show him just sitting there. He did not toss any flammable liquid on the plant and he did not light any matches.”
“Yeah, but the cameras also show his lips moving, as if he was talking to it. Maybe he said some evil spell over it, or maybe he’s some sort of witch doctor. At the very least he’s insane – he was talking to a Christmas tree for Christ’s sake.”
“A witch doctor? Why not a warlock Franklin? Do you hear what you’re saying? He seems calm enough, for now let’s just see how he interacts with others in this evenings group therapy session and we’ll decide on his course of treatment after that.”
Later that evening, at group therapy, a circle of chairs contained about a dozen other patients, or clients as the staff preferred to call them. The night’s session was to be led by Director Costello. Dr. Stein sat in as an observer. She began, “We have a new member joining our group tonight”, and looking at Jesus she continued “why don’t you introduce yourself and then we’ll let some of the other members do the same. Please tell us your name.”
“I am Jesus”, said the Lord.
To His surprise no one questioned His declaration. Then he remembered the people seated around Him were all mental patients.
“Welcome to our group, Jesus,” said Dr. Costello. “Now that’s an interesting name, the same as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Did your mother name you after Him?”
“I am Him”, Jesus corrected her.
“I see. And why are you here?”
“I’m here on Earth to spread the word of God. I’m here in Las Vegas because it is a village that calls itself ‘Sin City’ and is proud of it. And I am here in this hospital because no one believes me.”
“Can you do miracles?” one of the other patients asked.
“I have in the past.”
At this, one of the nuts jumped up, rubbed Jesus’ head, yelled, “I wish I had a million dollars!” then ran back to his seat.
Startled at first but now somewhat amused and back under composure the Lord declared, “It’s ‘Jesus’, not ‘Genie’. Sorry.”
Dr. Costello moved to regain control. “OK, why don’t we go around the room and tell Jesus a little about ourselves. Who wants to start?”
Each person in the circle said their name, and a few words about themselves.
Last up was an old man who looked to be about fifty-five years old, wearing a ragged army shirt with a few stripes half stitched on, half hanging off the sleeves. He sported a marine buzz-cut, one that was uneven in many spots, as though he was his own barber. Little red lines showed on his scalp, in the numerous places he had cut himself.
“They call me Sarge”, he began.
One of the other patients, a young man of about thirty-five, with a heavy English accent, immediately interrupted and snapped, “nobody calls you Sarge!”
Sarge ignored him and continued, “I’m involved in the Vietnam conflict.”
“You’re involved in a reality conflict!” said the Englishman.
“Simon, please let him continue” interrupted Dr. Costello.
Jesus asked, “where were you stationed?”
“I’m State-side, stationed over on the southwest side of town.”
“Excuse me, did you say ‘stationed’?” said Jesus, not sure he heard the man correctly.
“Over by Spring Mountain and Decatur. I night patrol the area, looking for Charlie. I was captured by the enemy and sent to this prison camp. I’m breaking out tonight if you want to come along.”
“Let me see if I have this correct, you say you’re IN the Vietnam War, and you’re stationed in Las Vegas?”
“Yup.”
“But the Vietnam war was fought exclusively in Vietnam.”
“What the hell kind of American are you, boy? We all have to do our part on the home front.”
“But that war ended over thirty years ago.”
“Son, for those of us who took part in that little bit of hell on Earth that war will never be over.”
The Englishman Simon interrupted, “He beat up a Korean last week, and that’s why he’s here.”
“Was he Korean?” Jesus asked Sarge.
“He was a Vietnam spy disguised as a Korean. Charlie is tricky like that.”
“He’s here because he keeps harassing people over in Chinatown, accusing them of being Viet Cong, and then last week he beat up a Korean grocer for talking on his cell phone”, laughed Simon.
Sarge, angry now, blared out, “He was radioing Charlie with our position, I saved lives that day sonny!”
The group busted up laughing and the old man sunk in his chair, red-faced with embarrassment.
Dr. Costello interrupted. “OK, let’s change subjects. Last time in our group we were discussing hobbies we used to have, ones we could take up again when we leave here.
Fred, I believe you were next. Do you have any hobbies?’
Fred was so introverted a corpse would seem the life of the party in comparison. He never spoke unless prompted. It was only early evening but the shy little man was already dressed in wrinkled pajamas, as he was twenty-four hours a day. He stopped scratching his head, looked at the floor, and said, “I like to fish.”
“OK, fishing is a good one”, said Dr. Costello. Turning to Jesus she said, “OK, how about our newest member, any hobbies?”
Jesus replied, “I too fish. I am a fisher of men.”
This declaration brought cat-calls from the guys in the group and invitations for dates and limp-wristed waves.
Director Costello hushed the mocking group. “OK, that’s enough of that. If any of you had read your Bible you would know that’s not what he meant.”
She turned to Sarge, and said, “what about you?”
He said, trying to sound macho, “my hobbies are guns and ammo”. He looked Costello right in her eye and added, “I also enjoy gynecology. I’m not a trained expert or anything but I dabble, I like to dabble”.
Simon mocked him, “ahh, you’ve probably never even kissed a girl on her northern lips, what's ’less the southern pair.”
At this the group busted out laughing again and Allison Costello said, “and on that note I think we’ve covered enough for tonight, the session is over. Jesus, Dr. Stein and I would like to speak with you in my office, please come with us.”